I had felt so empty, so gone. I did not know what I was going to do. Where was I going to go? Who was I going to talk to?
I had reconnected with me mother in February 2011. She and I began talking again. For so long, my whole life had not only revolved around her, but revolved around everything that she had thought and said about God.
Her dominance was total abuse. It was wrong! She had no idea who God really is, since she spent all her life living through the corrupt, perverse prism off Alcoholics Anonymous. Who cares what a cult has to say about God?
Throughout this blog, readers will find that I have nothing charitable or good to say about AA. The lies, the distortions, the failures all outline everything that is wrong with AA. No cults, please! Just give me God's Word!
I had walked out of my last full-time teaching job. I had never felt so lost. I had no idea where I was going from there.
Then I began watching the sermons from this one pastor, Joseph Prince:
The sermons he shared, the teachings he revealed, the power of God's Word conveyed to me: it was nothing short of incredible.
I would go to Celebrate Recovery meetings on Friday Nights.
Then I would go home and watch "Destined to Reign" with Pastor Prince.
That was mixture then. When I felt condemned soon enough about the struggles in my flesh.
A sense of shame hit me so hard about these internal struggles, and I found that I could not get rid of the sense of shame. I was not "Established in righteousness" as Isaiah prophesies in connection with Jesus' Finished Work (Isaiah 54:14-17).
I feared getting caught for what I was thinking. I was so scared, so ashamed of the terrible thoughts in my mind, in my flesh. And I was stuck! I confessed and reconfessed all the sins that I had committed. The terrible thoughts, the perversities.
I never realized how lavish God's love was! His love helps us break free of every sense of bondage!
Lord Jesus, thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for never giving up on me!
For years, I saw law enforcement as far greater than God, than everything around me. I did not see You as someone who would care for me, who would step in, intervene in my difficult times. Like the leper in Matthew 8, I knew that you could help me--but would you?
Then and now, I realize that you were in the business of caring for me all the time!
I learned so much briefly from Pastor Prince. Then I came back to watching those sermons, reading and learning so much more about the Gospel of Grace. The Gospel of Grace is not an ancillary subject or a sideline discussion. It is the Good News! For so many years, I had no idea. I spent so much time reading the Bible as a chore, then went back to trying to live this life in my own efforts.
Now I see how much Daddy God loves me, and it's not about my efforts, but His Effort, Jesus' work on the Cross, and His never-ending, ever-encompassing love for me!
It took me another two years before I returned to reading and listening to the Gospel of Grace. From December 2010, when I cried out to God for help, the pain and strain had become so great, to January 2011, when I was watching "Destined to Reign" before going to work as a substitute teacher in Centinela Valley Union High School District.
Little by little, my mind became renwed to the truth. It was incredible what I was learning! From there, I also began to ask questions--why was I so angry? This is not happineness, joy, and peace at all.
I started reading the Bible for answers, not just as an empty exercise. I admitted to God that I did not love with the same kind of 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love. And everything went up from there.
Ten years have passed, and it is nothing short of wonderful, incredible what my Daddy God has accomplished for me. Thank you, Jesus!
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