Last year, he began breaking out of the Hollywood Groupthink. He put on the MAGA Hat and posed with friends of his in the music-producing world.
A sense of freedom pervaded his thinking. Sometimes, his musings turned into ramblings. Other comments he made, whether on social media or with friends and colleagues on TV did not make a great deal of sense.
Liberty will do that to people who are learning to flow in a new rhythm. Instead of doing what we are told, and therefore we don't think for ourselves, Kanye was thinking, feeling for himself, not worrying about what other people had to say to him.
The writings which I posted in this set of posts may make little sense to those who read them, at least for now.
The point, however, for me is that I draw from a direct experience, the hurting, the pain, the loss, the worries, the shame -- all of that is starting to get blow out, washed away, completely thrown and lost at sea.
It's going, going, gone!
For years, a sense of fear, of uncaring followed me.
I would try to turn my sense of panic away from these sentiments of loneliness. How was I going to live and operate in this world? Was I really all alone?
When my father flirted with a serious health scare, I was terrified. A sense of deep panic overcame me. What happens if he dies? How will I get by in this world?
That panic was indescribable.
Then something broke me out of that fear. I began to cry out to Him, and a sense of peace did come over me.
I look over many periods of my lie, over the last four years. All that time, God was passionately in love with me. He cared for me. He was looking out for me.
This lie had been waving in and out of mind for too long. When my mother had abandoned me at the airport when I was 14, I felt so alone. The next day, however, living back in my original home just with my Dad, I suddenly found that I felt so much better. There was such peace in my life. No longer was I dealing with a legalistic shrew who was more interested in her self-righteousness.
She was gone, and I was at peace. But here's the new part which stands out. That evening, February 2 or 4th 1995, I was in such pain, in such hurt, and I had no idea what was going on. I prayed to God, on my knees in the basketball court at Wilsom Park.
God answered my prayer!
The problem WAS my mother. She was abusive, angry, bitter, engaged in nothing but crazy trains of thought which had nothing to do with the truth. It was a miserable time. A sense of great fear, of depression, of hurt was so pervasive in that time.
There was no love in that apartment, at least from my mother. God's love was pervasive, though. I just didn't know it at the time. Neither did my mother. Sadly, I don't think she really ever knew the love of the Father.
Sad, indeed.
A little later on in my life, I believed that I had to feel a certain way, think a certain way in order for God's love, God's presence to operate in my lives. I never realized how close He was in those days. I kept thinking that our life, our relationship was transactional. I had to feel a certain way so that He would be there in a certain way.
CRAZY!
The biggest revelation in all of this, which is fundamentally quite simple, is that God is separate from me. His presence in my life, and in the lives of all who believe on Him, has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Him.
This is just such an exciting time for me, that I can't help but write about it. This is just wonderful, too wonderful for me:
"How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!" (Psalm 137:19)
This is not make-believe, folks. This is real! This is Him who has been from the beginning!
WOW!
No comments:
Post a Comment