Why I was So Unhappy

This news is good news! Good News for me, all the way!

I was depressed in September 12, 2006. I had everything in my life, but I was empty on the inside. This life seemed like something that I had to do, to make, to have, to be on my own.

It was never enough, no matter what I did. I was either bored and unhappy, or dreaded the possible events of the day, or feared talking or confronting other people.

I never understood why I was so empty and dejected at UC Irvine, or why my Bible studies never seemed to prosper.

I was trying to put the New Wine of Jesus in the Old Wine Sacks of legalism and AA.

I would go to class during the day, then run off to Columbia Housing, to the local park, and I would read my one chapter of the Bible, along with a few selections from "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon". I "felt" the presence of God in that place, but God is more than a presence to be felt, but a Daddy who loves us, who never leaves us nor forsakes us, who promises us all things. It's never been about feeling, nor even about thinking, but rather it's about believing, about resting in the truth that all  our sins are forgiven, and thus in Christ all our needs are met, and He lives in us and leads us by His Holy Spirit all the time.

Jesus cannot reveal Himself to people who blinded by the law or by tradition. Just as Cleopas and wife did not recognize Jesus Christ on their way back to Emmaus, because their eyes were blinded, so to every Christian who tried to live the Twelve Steps will find that the program blocks them from seeing Christ Jesus, whose death and resurrection has given mankind the way from death to life, from dead in trespasses to alive in righteousness, from impoverished in a fallen world to seated in heavenly places and blessed with all spiritual blessings.

I was reared in AA from a young age. I was taught that if I felt bad, it was my fault in some way, because that's what religion teaches people. "Take it on the check", "bear it all", "The only problem with you is you," and so on and soon.

No wonder I was, was mind you, and easy target for bullying as a kid! AA teaches people that they have no right to speak up for themselves. I was taught that I should never speak up because I might get into trouble, or "something bad would happen to me."

That's the sin conscience, people! "You deserve to be treated this way, you deserve it."

AA teaches people to feel that way. Evil stuff, people!

I had acquired everything in my life, and my life was nothing but acquisition, and that was simply not enough

Jesus came to bear all the sins and hurts and pains so that we do not have to. We do not have to put up with abuse or disrespect. We do not have to lose our tempers, but we do not have to forfeit our peace in order to tolerate intolerable conditions.

I was taught for so long that I was supposed to put up with other people. I had no choice.

AA teaches people this silly line of thinking. Not only are you powerless over alcohol, but you are also powerless over everything else, including yourself. No wonder people get scared, no wonder people get frustrated. They see the world, and they see themselves without any resort but to put up with everything.

AA is really bad, and really really bad for young people, like me, when I was learning all of that garbage.