How I Started to Get Out

What changed it all for me? How did I get away from Celebrate Recovery and begin to Celebrate Resurrection?

I was bound down by so much guilt and unrest in my life. It was so bad, that I was living in someone else’s home, so ashamed of myself for things that I had said and done in my life, that I went into hiding. I was just lost, had no idea of the truth or the error of anything. I did not trust my parents, both of whom were so lost in their own errors. My mother was the one who had told me to go to AA when I was younger, then I was going to Celebrate Recovery, then she would tell me – “Do Not, Do not, Do not.”

Yet Paul the Apostle rails against such empty folly:

“20Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances, 21(Touch not; taste not; handle not; 22Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men? 23Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh." (Colossians 2: 20-23)

There is no life in not doing anything, but rather in being moved by the Holy Spirit to do all things that He works in us to do.

I had gotten to the point in my life where I just did not want to do anything – it was a slow, grey, existence, one in which I did not want to do anything at all.

I was still under the illusion that if I could make things better with my Mom, for example, then all would be well. She had poisoned my mind about my Dad for a long time, convinced that he was the source of all her problems in her life. Point of fact, her empty religious upbringing, from Catholic School to empty AA had created all the problems in her life. Those two law-centered cultures had created all the problems in her life – and we end up wandering around in the desert forever and ever, knowing that we are now saved, but refusing to rest in the truth that we are set free forever from the bondage of slavery and fear – the Promised Land awaits for all who are willing.

It was a May evening, the 8^th – I remember because Betty White was supposed to hosting Saturday Night Live that evening. The hour before, I had been attending another Celebrate Recovery meeting, but this one I had just gotten to the end of things – so I simply said – this has got to change – no drama, no tears, no fears, just this has got to change.

The next part of the evening, I ended up walking down Skypark Ave, and lo and behold, there was my mother  -- “Oh, my beautiful Arthur!”

 

She embraced me, then she brought me to a local In – and --  Out Joint. I had told her the whole hell that had broken out in my life – at the time, I had not realized, but now I see it, it was the curse of the law, trying to be obedient and make myself righteous which in the end created more problems for me and all who try to justify themselves – we fall from grace!

One more time, this sick lady led me through the Twelve Steps, telling me to take my inventory again and again. It was just terrible ---- here I was as a kid, now a young man, with no victory in my life, still taking orders from Mommy. . .

We had planned on seeing a movie, as well. Monday afternoon, I told her that I could not talk long on the phone because of the minutes, then she rebuked me for that.

The next day after, it was Wednesday, May 12, 2010, and she called me to let me know that we have nothing more to talk about – she basically left me high and dry once again.

This time, I got angry, instead of mad and scared. I had gone out of my way to try and make things right with this person, and one more time she threw me under the bus. I was really disappointed with the whole thing. I did not deserve to be treated like that, not at all!

I also realized that I was tired of  the disrespect at the Celebrate Recovery meetings, where men and women would sit around waiting for their lives to get better. I had had enough of this nonsense.

I went to one more meeting of Celebrate Recovery, where once again I saw the same people still sick and unhappy, unwilling to change, sitting around and talking politics and religion, neither or which with any panache or charm. I was tired of the pizza that I was eating, too. The whole thing was an empty exercise in futility. One guy gave me a hug, then another guy mocked me “Oo, Baby!”

This guy, Mario, was an arrogant Pharisee, one of the worst, and a pervert who took pride in talking about all the problems that he had. What an empty suit he was!

I decided that I did not want to put up with this crap any longer, as soon as I had sat down, I got up again and walked away from the meeting, never to return. I drove my car all the way up to Rocketship Park, looking out over South Torrance on every side. I have so loved it up there, and there I was again, making the most of the beautiful site. Once again, I was free, never again would I have to settle for that nonsense.

As soon as I walked away, though, the men in the group started calling me. “We’re praying for you, Arthur. We just want you to know that we care about you” blah, blah, blah.

I was so disgusted with the whole thing, that I just wanted to be sick. But I simply ignored the phone class, and gladly. Even that creepy Jeff character called me, and I had no interest in getting back with them. They were a bunch of fearful and empty people,  and I  had no desire to see them ever again.

I had solved one problem – but how to live thing called life still seemed to elude me. I had left the bad, but I was still wandering in the wilderness.

It is not enough to run away from one bad home -- we must run to another home, the Promised Land or rest in Christ our rest! (Hebrews 4: 9)