A Bad Sponsor for One Day

I remember another guy from the AA meetings that I used to attend.

This man had impressed me, somewhat, a really sharp tack who seemed to have all the answers.

This guy had a halt in his step, from a stroke, but for the time being, this guy acted as if he had all his oars in the water, that he knew where he was going and what he wanted out of life.

When I was down and out in my life, I found myself back at the same meeting where I had met this halting man, Sam.

He loved talking about his sponsor, a gruff man who got in his face "You're full of sh--t! You're full of sh--t!" He loved to shout in Sam's face, pulling his covers for trying to get away with something, anything.

I was really surprised at how calm and sure the guy acted in the meetings at least. I finally approached the man and asked him to be my sponsor, or at least let me share my umpteenth fourth step with the man.

This guy was happy to oblige, as most people are willing to play confessor and feel better about themselves.

Now, this guy said that he was willing to meet with me on a Tuesday. The Tuesday came, and for some reason the man had not shown up, yet. I called him, and then he told me on the spot that Tuesday was his "rest day", one in which he normally took no time to meet or talk with others.

This man was selfish to beat the band, I began to realize, a guy who did not care about me as much as he wanted to make himself feel good. I was really hurt that he was so unthinking.

Grudgingly, he agreed to meet with me at the local food place down from where I lived. He showed up, walking in very haltingly, taking his time. Then he started talking to me about how he had run the program with his sponsor, the guy who would yell in his face "You're full of sh--t!"

He told me about the crazy stuff he had done when he was drinking, how his sponsor told him everything that he needed to do in order to work his program. He then dropped another bomb on me, this time stating that if I wanted to go through the Twelve Steps with him, I was going to meet every  two weeks to go over every step in detail. I did not want to do that. I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest, which I had been doing for quite some time for years, and to no effect, apparently.

I look back on how many times I went through my fourth and tenth steps, talking about the things that I had done, trying to find out what sin that I had done that had made my life unmanageable. Now I fully realize that no amount of inventory taking would have made a difference, and that any confession was not necessary because in Christ all my sins are forgiven and keep being forgiven over and over through His blood.