I Can Rest and Stop Looking At Myself

When I had finished my first year in college, I was seized with a massive panic attack.

I was so scared to go out and do anything because I was so afraid of doing something wrong.

I had tried so hard to keep an eye on myself, and to keep myself from falling away from my God.

I never understood then, as I understand now, that I cannot fall away, and I can never be separated from Him, no matter what I do, because He has forgiven me for all sins.

All means all.

The past few weeks, months, etc I have been unlearning a lot of the crappy stuff that I had learned when I was growing up.

Or rather, growing old.

AA is an evil cult, one which no one should sit through, and one which no one should put their kids through.

At all.

I was away from home for the first time in a long time in my life, and I did not understand how to come in and out.

Someone else had been making all the decisions in my life, and had blocked me time and again from doing what I thought was best.

I had no idea that God was in love with me, that He saw me as His own Son.

No one had ever taught me that. Ever.

So, when I started out at UC Irvine my first year, I was trying to make the most of a new setting. I was so scared of doing the right things or the wrong things. I wanted to make sure that I made no mistakes.

I resolved that as much as possible, I would keep an eye on myself, not screw up or step out of bounds or anything else.

I was wrong to think that I could keep an eye on myself and any of the things that I was doing.

Now that I look back on all that I was going through, it appeared that even my parents had no idea what was going in their own lives, either.

The struggles to make sense of so much that I faced, whether going to high school for the first time or going to college -- they were not helping me. They were not giving me guidance.

For so long, I was convinced that I had to look over my own shoulder, look out for myself, if you will.

I was never able to rest on the inside. This incessant feeling that I had to keep my open on myself and my concerns was often nagging me.

"What if? What if?" was a question which prodded me at length.

I did not know where to rest my assurance that He is my God and that He is looking out for me.

Nowhere.

Now I understand the full importance of the Cross. It has nothing to do with how I feel or what I am thinking.

Furthermore, I need never doubt what is wrong with the Bible or with God, as though either one is somehow not trustworthy.

The problem was that I was not believing everything that I was reading in the Bible.

I did not believe that all my sins were forgiven.

I was mixing the message, still holding onto God's law, rather than letting His grace hold onto me.

This was the mixed-up message I lived with in my home, too.

I do not have to look at myself, at my failures, at the places in my life where I have messed up.

As He is, so are we in this world!

For so long, a tug of "what will you do if you feel this way?" would dominate me.

The notion that how I felt or what I was thinking would determine my standing before God had done so much damage in my walk with God.

Not anymore!

Thank you Jesus for the gift of righteousness and your abundance of favor.  Grant me a greater revelation of all that you have done and are doing today!