A dark hour of sorts, since I am currently celebrating Christmas in Albany, Oregon, where the sun doesn't shine. It has been gray or dark since I landed at the airport Friday morning. I wish that the sun was shining. I want to see the sun again.
It's also dark because for the first time in my life, I really have no idea where I am going. I had meditated on this situation in my life earlier this year. My Dad and I talked about it, and he reminded me of Abram, later Abraham, who just took God at His Word and went where he did not know where he was going. Even know, I think of the most overlooked miracle in the Gospel of John (6:21), in which the disciples willingly received Jesus into their boat, and they immediately got to where they were trying to go in their own efforts.
Yet I have no heart nor head for where I am supposed to be going at this point. I want to have a family now, too, but I don't have a decent, substantive career right now! I had worked in a grocery store for nearly three years. I liked it, but it did not provide enough in terms of income every month When I got a new job at the marketing firm, I was set ... really set. I paid off my student loan debt. I had the time to go to major events in other cities. I could still participate in activism, write, and make a difference as a club leader and movement director.
Here I am now, Christmas 2017, and I have no idea where I am going. The whole set-up is like a bad case of Romantic Irony. This author is making fun and having fun at the expense of his own characters, and the characters know it very well. "Where are you going, Arthur?" as I, Arthur, write these words. It's like confronting the last chapter of The French Lieutenant's Woman. What are we going to do with you now?
I am hitting a real brick wall on working, too, since I have not had to wake up and go to a steady job since early March! I had saved up enough money, and at one point I had drawn from unemployment. Now, I cannot even draw from that for some reason, I do not know why.
This is the lowest place one can be for someone on the outside looking in. I no longer have a working car, but I have had to rent a car for the last three months. I do not have a steady, stable income at this time. I don't know what kind of job to seek, and especially a job which will cover every need and expense as the previous job I had was able to.
I don't have a penchant for pursuing journalism as a career anymore, either, since more people are entering the Independent media field on their own, and the professional media class is losing work as fewer papers get sold, fewer advertisers seek print media, and more journalists get laid off as a result. Where is the money in this industry? It's gone at this point. More people are going to get into the business of reporting on everything around them, and they will do it as a matter of fact and fancy. It will come naturally to everyone to report, just like breathing.
It scares me a little not having a clear pathway forward. I want to have a clear sense of hope about the next step. Maybe it's time for me to place more of my hope in Jesus alone. I need to depend on Him as the Person who cares for me and holds the world together for me. Hope has to be invested in a Person:
"To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory:" (Colossians 1:27)
That sense of hope, that sense of expectation right now is not every strong in me. It's strange, but it's true nonetheless. I want to have more, so much more to look forward to, and right now, it's pretty darn bleak to my natural eyes.
I mean, I am facing a criminal trial because of my decision not to give up my right to attend a public meeting in the city of Huntington Park! On top of that, there's the the small claims action I am pursuing against the city for arresting me without cause.
It has been a light and busy year, but with dark moments in it.
Recall when Jesus sent the disciples before Him after one of His Sermons:
22And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away. 23And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone. 24But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary." (Matthew 14:22-24)
Because of the contrary winds striking at me at this time, this next verse carries significant weight for me today:
"And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea." (Matthew 14:25)
The number 25 is significant, since it speaks of grace (5) multiplied by grace. 14 is signification because it speaks of double perfection (7 + 7).
The rest of this account continues as follows:
26And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. 27But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid." (Matthew 14:26-27)
They saw Jesus as Spirit this time, and they were at peace that He was there for them!
Jesus was born into a dark world, and at the darkest time for the nation of Israel. Yet Jesus was the light of the world while ministering on earth, and He remains the light of the world to this day!
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