Why I Disdained, Feared His Unconditional Love

His Love is deeper than the oceans and valleys.

In fact, the Psalmist writes:

"9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

"10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me." (Psalm 139:9-10)

We cannot be taken away from His love for us.

But what caused me to fear receiving His uncondititional love?

I believed that I would still sin, I would do really bad thngs.

Today, I understand fully the shock that Paul had to such a suggestion.

Paul writes to the Romans:

"What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? 2God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?" (Romans 6:1-2)

I never realized how good God's love really is for me!

I struggled with so many temptations, internal struggles, different perversions.

I never knew what to do. All of it, as I have written before, was animated by a sense that God's love and goodness was cut off or separated from me because of those inner problems.

Today, I realize that even when I have those bad feelings, those fleshy desires, never stopped God from loving me.

And yet, I believed that those terrible thoughts and feelings would never go away. 

Only more recently than ever have I realized that His love for me is indeed BETTER than anything that this world can give me.

John wrote this without hesitation on his First Epistle:

"Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him." (1 John 2:15)

Why should we not love what the world has to offer?

"For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." (1 John 2:16-17)

Another reason I feared His unconditional love:

I thought that it would not be enough. The unpleasant feelings that I felt were good for the time that I felt them. Then I realized that He was not inactive or missing. This lie was pervasive, and yet even when I realized that God's love was better, I was believing--wrongly--that those feelings had to go away so that I could appreciate His love for me.

Then I realized that He is not going to stop loving me, even when my behavior, my feelings are not lovely. Wow! This is incredible!

His love is not some simple, silly, inconsequential sentiment, either! His love is robust, effective, active, intervening in my life. WOW!

How His Love is Transforming Me!

I have learned more about why the Israelites, why the Jews in Biblical times sought out light, while the Greeks sought knowledge, and the Romans sought glory.

When you have enlightenment, when you see more than had been available before, it becomes easier to understand so many things. So much has been revealed to me that I had never seen before. There were revelations, deep understandings of God's love of me, to me, for me that I did not understand.

I could not begin to understand.

There was so much love that God has me, enough that He sees me in His Son.

"Herein is love perfected among us, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment, because as He is, so are we in this world." (1 John 4:17)

It's a new identity, a new standing.

Yet I had perverse feelings, bad desires, and I often felt that I had to get rid of those feelings, or I had to discharge the feelings that I felt.

Now I see that He loves me more and more. I realize that His love continues pouring on me, no matter what I am feeling.

I do not have to get rid of feelings. The goodI feel when I know that His goodness towards me does not go away, that gives me great pleasure, and the desire to sin falls away.

This is great!

Indeed, His Love is Transforming Me!

"But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corinthians 3:18)

He Was Always At Work, In Love With Me, Helping Me

There is no greater feeling than looking back at the whole history of my life--as much or as little as I can recall--and recognizing that through all of it, God's never-ending, ever-cascading love was falling all over me.

I simply didn't know about it.

I had no idea how much He was caring for me, watching out for me, intervening in my life. The more that we are willing to rest and believe that He is caring for us--and not in some static, emotional way--the more good that comes our way!

We have to stop getting in God's Way.

And yet, I could not help but get in the way because for so long, I had this sad sense about me that God's love was static, meaningless. All of that is wrong. God's love is dynamic, specific, precise, wonderful.

He sees as the best thing in town, because He sent His Son to die for us, to live for us, and God the Father has placed us IN HIS SON!

"[F]or ye are all one in Christ Jesus. 29And if ye be Christ's, then are ye Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise." (Galatians 3:28-29)

and

"Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world." (1 John 4:17)

I did not know how great God's love was for me.

He was loving and blessing me, even if there was anger, hurt, lust, disgust going through my veins.

I was never to indentify with the unpleasant feelings in my body, nor did I have to worry about getting rid of them. All that sin, all that mess, was condemned already in the body of God's son:

"3For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: 4That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." (Romans 8:3-4)

It's so gratifying to look back over the last 30-something years of my life, and to see that in spite of all the pain, losses, hurt, discouragement, and confusion, He was ALWAYS at work. He was behind the scenes, only because I was too busy looking at myself rather than my looking at Him.

So busied did I become with the actions, the thoughts, the words, the deeds that I had to do. I needed to see more of how much God loves me, and I needed to jettison the lie that I had to get rid of bad feelings to see, know, understand, receive the love that God the Father has for me.

This is so exciting, I just want to keep writing about it!

The Never-Ending Love of God Was Always There -- I Just Didn't Realize It

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. (pg 66, Alcoholics Anonymous CULT)

In 2012, shortly after I learned more deeply about the Gospel of Grace, I began to pick apart, then ultimately rip into shreds the whole Alcoholics Anonymous program, including the "Big Book".

My mother was so invested in Alcoholics Anonymous, that she placed the Bible and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous on the same plane. Such thinking is even more corrupted and mistaken than Peter's attempt to place Jesus, Moses, and Elijah all in tents.

God the Father intervened quickly and declared: "This is my beloved Son. Hear Him!" Not the law, not the prophets, but listen to Jesus!

Sadly, many Christians are listening to Jesus and Bill Wilson, as though he was some kind of modern-day prophet or evangelist. The truth is that Bill W. wanted to replace Christ Jesus entirely. Private correspondance from a former follower of his announced the following:

"[He thought that] he was completing the work that Christ didn't finish & according to Horace he said he was a reincarnation of Christ."

That is evil blashemy, nothing more.

Jesus was not mincing words or holding back when He shouted on the Cross: "It is Finished." (John 19:30)

He Finished the Work. He took all our sin and gave us His righteousness, His standing, and His life.

I have been meditating on God's Word and His Goodness in so many ways. I have learned so much about God's Grace, His Love.

I can't cut off His love for me. My feelings cannot cut off God's love for me.

And yet, I had believed for the longest time that if I was angry, if I had been feelings, bad thoughts, if I was thinking illicit ways, then it was cutting of God's love for me.

How wrong I was!

"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Genesis 8:38-39)

Nothing can separate us from God's love for us.

Yet for decades, for the greatest part of my life, I never knew about how much God loved me. I often believed that I had to get rid of these bad feelings, or I would focus on or pump up God's love for me so that I could get rid of the bad thoughts, the bad feelings within me.

Over the last two days, though, I have started to realize that God's intense love for me has been at work, working on me for the longest time. I didn't realize this as profoundly as I needed to until recently.

Indeed, He has been working a great work on me!

When I first believed on Christ Jesus as my Savior, my Lord, He loved me intently, and He was committed to doing everything that He could to bless me.

It's not like I needed to get a greater awareness to make His love for me real. What I needed to abandon was this sentiment, this lie that I needed to get rid of the bad feelings, the inappropriate thoughts, in order to receive or better understand His love for me.

Why did I think this way Why did I have this erroneous belief that I had to get rid of the bad feelings and thoughts so that I would better understand God's Love for Me, that I would know that His presence was always with me?

Because of Alcoholics Anonymous, this notorious, fraudulent cult.

Consider the above passage from pg. 66 of the "Big Fraud Book", at the top of this post. If we get angry, AA claims, we are cutting ourselves off from "the sunlight of the spirit."

That is a total lie. In fact, sometimes our getting angry is a just response and a needed motivation for us to stand up to evil in our midst. It's OK to be angry; but it's not OK for us to sin in our anger. That's the difference.

What is really wonderful, however, is that His great love was at work in my life all this time. There was no reason for me to wonder if He was there for me or not.

There is so much more for me to write about on this subject, but then those revelations will veer off into other principles for life and good living. I will touch on them presently.

The Year for Carrying Constitutionally

If readers haven’t been following the pro-freedom news lately, it’s easy to miss that a number of states have passed a unique, welcome, necessary reform: constitutional carry. One gun rights lobbyist in Iowa announced that this was a hot issue this year, even though an Iowa legislative committee had stalled on its passage. Constitutional carry is carrying a lot of weight this year. Yet still the stigma remains that it’s dangerous, foolish to allow law-abiding citizens to carry a firearm, whether open or concealed, and without having to obtain a permit.

Activists have been firing off these arguments for decades, and they have poisoned the general consensus for a while. When I was a kid, I can still remember one particular joke from a new comic who talked about a city in Alaska—the name of which I do not remember. “In this city, everyone carries a gun on their belt.” The audience starts laughing. “Can you imagine walking down the street, and your neighbor greets you with, 'Hey, how ya doing?'" Then the comedian made the “hold up” gesture with his hand.  

“Ha Ha. So funny.” But is it true? Does a reduction in state gun restrictions lead to such, hapless irresponsible conduct?

Later that year, I visited the Museum of Tolerance, based in gun-shy Los Angeles. I remember watching a video about racism in America. In one dramatization, two people of apparently different races started arguing in a restaurant. One of them flew into a rage, took out his gun, and shot the other one dead. The implicit message? “Guns are scary. Concealed carry is dangerous! Angry people will take out their guns and shoot people!” But … Is that what really happens with the reduction in regulations and the removal of the gun permitting process?

Not at all. In fact, when states allow law-abiding citizens to exercise their rights in full, there is actually less crime to contend with. This study certainly debunks the argument that easing firearms requirements to will lead to more bloodshed in the streets. Another set of studies affirms the conclusion that with more guns, there is less crime. Besides, California has some of most restrictive gun laws in the country, yet has witnessed some unprecedented mass shootings recently. Another blue state, Illinois, delayed enacting a concealed carry permit process until a federal court ordered the state to do so. Following the passage of a concealed carry permit process (the state is still “may issue” instead of “shall issue”), the crime rates have declined. Check out this segment to see the differences between Texas (gun rights) and California (gun control).

In spite of national contentions and concerns about the Second Amendment, this year is turning into the year of Carrying Constitutionally, and it couldn’t come at a more momentous, necessary time. In South Dakota, former Congresswoman, now newly-elected governor Kristi Noem turned her state into the 14th one to allow for the full exercise of the Second Amendment without requiring a permit.

Despite some concerns from conservative activists because the liberal Chamber of Commerce elected more of their RINO candidates, Oklahoma just passed constitutional carry.  In fact, it was the first bill signed into law by newly-elected governor Kevin Stitt. Surprise, surprise: Kentucky is about to be the 16^th state, since a constitutional carry bill, filed in early February, is headed for Governor Matt Bevin’s desk next week. In fact, that bill shot thought the Kentucky State Legislature rather quickly. As of now, Iowa, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, Ohio, and now South Carolina are considering constitutional carry bills, too.

But why are Second Amendment activists fired up now about constructional carry? Vermont has been constitutional carry since its founding. Two centuries passed before Alaska and then Arizona enacted their laws. Why are so many states now seeking to enhance the individual right to keep and bear arms in their response to other states?

Consider what has happened in the last two years. Sure, a populist conservative was elected president in 2016 with a determined promise to enhance gun rights. Supposedly he had a sympathetic Congress to work with. However, by 2017, House Speaker Paul Ryan finally permitted an up-or-down vote on Rep. Richard Hudson’s national reciprocity bill for concealed carry permits, and the legislation stalled in U.S. Senate. Then in 2018, Trump allowed the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms to issue an (unconstitutional) bump stock ban, and the gun-grabbing Democrats took over the House. Now’s the time for expanding gun rights for law-abiding citizens before it’s too late!

Besides the sluggish federal government, what else has stymied constitutional carry up to now?

1. Law enforcement agencies have opposed this reform because of concerns about their safety in traffic.
2. Police departments fear losing money which they gain from the permitting process.
3. Progressives have never wavered in their pursuit of political power. Socialists are increasing in prominence in Washington DC, too (AOC, Green New Deal, Bernie Sanders, etc). For their cause to succeed, they must neuter the right to keep and bear arms. After all, before the Soviet Union, Cuba, and Venezuela went full Commie, their leaders confiscated the guns!
4. Corporate interests have discouraged constitutional carry in a number of states because of progressive non-profits. Think about the inordinate interest which “March for Our Lives” has brandished.

In spite of (or with the rise socialist sympathies, because of) these interests, more grassroots Second Amendment advocacy groups and thus the states themselves have stepped up their push for constitutional carry. Even in blue states (Colorado, New Mexico, Illinois), where the state legislatures have eyed red-flag laws and gun registries, interestingly enough, county boards are declaring themselves Second Amendment Sanctuaries. These local boards are directing law enforcement officials to ignore onerous gun control legislation coming from their respective statehouses.

2019 is becoming the year to Carry Constitutionally. If two more states go “full constitutional," perhaps a new field of Congressman will follow and restore the Second Amendment franchise to all citizens at the federal level.

How God Works Behind The Scenes: My New Car

In November 2017, I was stuck. I had no car, and I needed some form of transportation.

At that point, someone had offered me her car.

She wanted $1,500 for it, and I was ready to purchase it.

Of course, before purchasing a vehicle, it is essential to get the car checked out by a mechanic, who can tell you what is wrong with it, whether it's worth purchasing.

When you a buy a used car, you by it "as is." If something happens to it three days or three months later, it doesn't matter.

It's your car, and you have to take care it.

When my friend found out that I had gotten the car checked out at a local mechanic, she got really upset with me. "I can't believe you did that!" She said. She then was shocked that I had paid a certain amount to get the car checked out, which was a little more than I would have paid if I had gone to the mechanic closer to me.

However, the car I wanted to purchase was in the Inland Empire, and I live in the South Bay. I had to go with the closest mechanic to get it checked out.

While the car was getting checked out, another friend, Robert, asked me how I was going to maintain the car since I didn't have a stable stream of income at the time.

That was a good question, one which I didn't have an answer for, and one which I didn't want to try and answer at the time.

Ultimately, I decided not to buy the car because there was so much that would have to be fixed. I would have to spend as much fixing the car as I would have spent having purchased the car.

I decided against it, and I was really upset about it. I wanted to have a vehicle so that I could get around, I could go to all the activism events and raise heaven. But it was not to be.

All told, I was without a car from October 2017 to July 2018: nine months.

In spite of that, I rented a car when I absolutely needed something to get from Point A to Point B. There were times when fellow activist friends would give me a ride. Other times, I would just walk to a key event.

Then there were those moments when I had to decline going to an event. That's just the way it had to be.

Because I no longer had a reliable, easily available vehicle, I simply had to say "No" to fellow activists. Because of this inability to drive anywhere, I had to stop going to the city of Huntington Park. I had spent nearly three years protesting that city council for their appointment of two illegal aliens. A sentiment had resided within me that it was time to let this go and pursue other goals.

But my flesh, this sense of self-effort, simply would not allow me to walk away from this issue. Finally, because I was incapable of actually going to the city council, it was over. Wiht that, I had to tell other leaders in the pro-enforcement movement that I was not going to Huntington Park: "If you are not going, then we are going to drop this project," one person had told me.

Then that's the way it had to be. I was forced to let go of something which needed to be released a long time ago.

And this was spiritual growth for me. I was not used to letting stuff go. I was not used to trusting that God was at work behind the scenes regarding all of these issues. I look back on those times, and I have to admit that I reallly didn't believe that God was taking care of me, taking care of the situation.

I had such little faith in Him.

As I had written before, I did not have a car. I was borrowing, renting, or just walking from point A to Point B. That was the best that I could do.

Then I started trying to look for work, since I could not rely on the donations which came with freelance journalism and activism.

It was a dark time, a frustrating time for me.

1. I had no car.
2. I had no stable income.
3. I had a criminal matter hanging over my head.
4. I had no idea what my future was going to look like. I had no desire to go from point A to Point B. Like young King Solomon, I did not know how to come in or go out.

And then, and then I realized the essential importance of meditating on His righteousness. I had to stop looking at my circumstances as the final determinant for anything, for everything.

It was all about looking at Christ Jesus. Seeing more of Jesus makes the difference.

I have related before how my fortunes flipped in one day. I had a car and I had a new job within one weekend!

The grace, the peace, the knowledge that God was indeed looking out for me in every way, that shined through every element of my life. It was just wonderful.

I look back on the situation that I was going through without a vehicle. I had endured frustration and shame from one friend because I had not purchased the car initially offered to me.

God was really looking out for me at that time. If I had purchased that car, I would have been in a terrible spot, because the costs of maintainence, plus gas and other amenities would have bankrupted me.

God's timing was perfect. God's time is perfect.

I realize that God was not only working from behind the scenes, but He was ensuring that everything did occur at the right place at the right time, so that I would not be ruined, hurt, burdened.

God's blessings bless us indeed, and they add no hurt!

Hallelujah!

Having Greater Peace that Jesus Is Alive and In Charge

There are still incredible challenges which I face.

But they are only troublesome to the degree that I look at the problems, and I ignore the Savior.

More good news has been emerging for me and for others that I know, though.

Bad people who have done bad things are getting arrested.

Even though I was arrested and ultimately convicted of trumped up charges, all is well in my life.,

I trust that the Lord is putting this setback to my good.

All things work for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

The tragedy, the trauma which I had briefly endured was difficult for me after hearing the "Guilty" verdict from the court clerk following the jury's decision.

I had a feeling it was going to end up this way, since so much evidence was suppressed during the trial, and all of my witnesses were not permitted to testify.

It also did not help that the DA lied to the jury and went to great lengths to poison the jury about the activist group I worked with.

The deepest pain that I had faced after the guilty verdict was "God! Where are you? Why did you allow this to happen? What is going on?!"

Of course, it is essential to look past our failures, our fears, and even our future.

I have to trust that He is on the jjob. He has not let me down. He has not stopped giving me his gifts of righteousness or his abundance of grace (Romans 5:17).

No matter how bad things had become for Joseph, he had the promise and the vision that God had nothing but good things prepared for him:

"And Joseph was brought down to Egypt; and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him of the hands of the Ishmeelites, which had brought him down thither. 2And the LORD was with Joseph, and he was a prosperous man; and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian." (Genesis 39:1-2)

I was having a hard itme trying to understand what was going on. I needed to have some sort of proof that God was on my side. With the trial, the conviction, the sentencing, and a lot of questions which still remained unanswered, I had no idea what to do.

I wanted to figure out in my mind what God was going to do, I wanted to believe that the outcome was going to be great.

Of course, that does not grant us peace. Even if we know where God is taking us, that does not quell our fears.

Consider this section in the Gospel of Mark:

"35And the same day, when the even was come, he saith unto them, Let us pass over unto the other side." (Mark 4:35)

Of course, lots of preachers will point out: See! Jesus declared to His disciples that they were going to pass over to the other side.

At the time, however, in the midst of a terrible storm, it's no surprise that the discples felt otherwise:

"37And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full." (Mark 4:37)

This was a bad time. This was dire. The storm was raging all around the disciples. The boat was filling up with water.

In the midst of this terrible storm. the disciples cried out to Jesus, who at the time was sound asleep!

38And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?"

You know, I have to laugh when I read this passage. If Jesus, the Teacher and Master, is sound asleep, don't you think that He has everything under control?

And yet the disciples did not believe that Jesus was in charge, that He was handling the situation.

I have often commented in this passage that the disciples made three mistakes, they did not believe the truth.

First, the called Jesus "Master". They saw Him as a teacher, as a Rabbi, a mentor, an example to follow, an individual who would impart to them knowledge. They saw Him as someone very much like them, in distress, yet unaware of the distress.

Two, they thought that He did not care about them. They actually believed that Jesus was not concerned about their well-being.

Remember, this is the same Jesus who went about healing and doing good for all who were sick and in need. This is the same Jesus who fed thousands with a few pieces of bread and small fish. This is the same Jesus would declared the Kingdom of God, who would become sin that all of us might be made the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21).

And yet, and sadly yet the disciples dared to reprimand Him, as if He did not care!

But of course, Jesus not only cared, He did something about the  storm:

 "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm." (Mark 4:39)

Notice that Jesus didn't yell at the disciples, He didn't tell them to go away, He didn't shame them.

In spite of their lack of faith, in spite of their sheer ignorance, the hardness of their hearts to discern the gracious goodness of our Lord Jesus Christ, Jeusus answered their cry.

In fact, He over-answered. He didn't just care that they were in danger: He calmed the storm with one word. Not only did He calm the storm, but a "mega calm" took over.

Then Jesus chastised them:

 "40And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?" (Mark 4:40)

They have no faith. They do not realize WHO is in the boat with them. They don't understand the safety and protection they already enjoy.

In fact, they exaggerated their circumstances. They were not perishing at all! They had no reason to worry. Their minds were racing into all kinds of scenarios, but not one of them came to pass.

Jesus arose, rebuked the wind, chided His disciples, then went back to sleep.

Of course, this verse has always stood out to be above all the others:

"41And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?"" (Mark 4:41)

The disciples are still so floolish, so slow of heart to believe. They are in the presence and protection of God's own Son, God in the flesh, manifested before men to die on the Cross, to rise again, and to serve as our High Priest Forever before God the Father.

This same Jesus, "Savior" as His own name bears out, is in the boat with the fearful disciples. He answers their prayers, He comes through on the very promise He had made to them before they set sail.

"Come let us cross over to the other side."

They did.

Yet still they saw Jesus as "What manner of man is this?" He is more than a man. He is God incarnate, Christ Jesus the Savior of all, who has come down to us to Save, Heal, and Forgive!

Tonight as I write this post, I see that the turmoils that I am facing are nothing like what the disciples were facing. They feared certain death, since they shouted "Don't you care that we are dying?!"

And I am not even dying! There are so many strange, frightful scenarios that have played through my mind. But what I am thinking does not matter. What matters is He who has been from the beginning, that Christ Jesus is not just in the boat with me, but that He is my hope of glory, and that He lives in me TODAY! (Colossians 1:27)

The problem was not that they did not know where they were going--nor is it our problem, since Jesus firmly declared that He is "The Way, the Truth, and the Life" (John 14:6).

The problem is that we do not believe Him. The problem is that we trust so much in our flesh, that we think that we need to hurry, to help God get the job done.

He wants us to rest in Him and receive from Him, so that we can do for Him what He wants to do through us.

It's so simple, and yet our flesh clamors for control, clamors to know what is going to happen. We need to weaned of this dependence. We need to trust in His grace, take God at His Word, for "The righteous shall live by faith" (Habakkuk 2:4).