The more that I learn about what I suffered in AA, abiding by these empty principles which have nothing to do with life and that more abundantly, the more that I now realize how contrary the program has become to real living.
One guy in the Hermosa Beach club claimed that the "Big Book" tells him how to start his day. The Big Book would tell him what to do, where to go, and all the rest.
I was reduced to such dependence in my life. AA teaches people that they have nothing going for them on the inside, that this life is just a collection of moments in which you work this program, getting to know some Higher Power.
Of course, to talk about God as "Father" and God as "Principal" creates more problems than it removes. How can anyone talk about God as Father if at the same time we have to look at ourselves and make sure that we never sin, never fail, never fall short?
One mantra in the program goes "progress not perfection", but there is no progress when it comes to our thoughts and feelings, when it comes to our mistakes with other people. The solution is not to take one's inventory and hope that we do better next time. The Tenth Step talks about setting up a ledger in which we look at our day and figure out what we did right and what we did wrong.
Life is not book-keeping. Life is not a series of problems waiting to be fixed. Life is a person, His name is Jesus Christ.
God is so good, in that He sent His Son to the Mercy Seat for all our sins, and that in Him we can have righteousness, peace, and joy. He gives us Himself, He grants us His life, and in Him we reign.
AA makes people focus on self, creates a life in which members are trying to live right and not do wrong. This is not life. When Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they died. God wants us to receive His life and let Him live through us. We do not have to live a life of getting because in Christ we receive all things.
For a longer time than I had realized, I have lived a "right-wrong" life, waiting for something or someone to tell me what to do and whether I was doing it right or not. This revelation is both new and timely, old and timeless. Human beings are not brought into this world in order to follow a plan of action. God made us so that we would have life, and that more abundantly.
I now realize why I had the problems that I had in my life. If your whole existence founders on getting through the day without failing or making a mistake, then there is really no point to waking up in the first place. If we go out in the world to find something engaging and interesting, in the end whatever we receive is not satisfying enough.
I had no identity apart from what I did or did not do. I was a "good student" or a "good worker", but not much else. Life is a Person, and this Person wants to live and move and have His being within us. Nothing could be more fantastic!
No wonder I was so bereft of life. Nothing was worthwhile, and a life that revolves around fulfilling and feeling good about "The Twelve Steps" is not life. The more that I rest in the truth that all of my sins are forgiven, that I do not have to spend my life looking over my shoulder, the more free I am to let the Peace of Christ rule and let the Spirit of God direct me in the way that He would have me go.
Thank God for the New Covenant:
"For this is
the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, saith
the Lord; I will put my laws into their mind, and write them in their hearts:
and I will be to them a God, and they shall be to me a people:
"And they shall not
teach every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the Lord:
for all shall know me, from the least to the greatest.
"For I will be
merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I
remember no more." (Hebrews 8: 10-12)
The whole New Covenant flies or falls on the last verse, that in Christ we find the propitiation for all our sins, and God will never, ever remember them again. Until we rest in the full acceptance of this truth, the Adversary, the Accuser Satan can use the law, our past, and the reproach of men in this fallen world to bring us into bondage.
One of the most pernicious lies in AA is that our feelings and thoughts can block us from "the sunlight of the Spirit". So for years, I would live trying to protect my feelings, make sure that no one made me mad. Memories which could trigger upset I would try to purge from my thinking, when in truth it is God who causes us to forget because we can rest in Christ our new self, and let His Finished Work remove from us the stain of sin and past hurts.
Now I can safely say, assess in truth, I was convinced that fears and upsets would stop the flow of God's Spirit in my lives, when nothing could be further from the truth. Christ lives in every believer, and His Spirit quickens us to will and to do for His good pleasure (Philippians 2: 12)
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