I would remember from time to time that when there was a break from the pain and torment in my mind. I would suddenly have this peace in my head, in my spirit. I did not feel ravaged by negative thoughts and feelings.
I felt that that release from bad sentiments would come and go arbitrarily, so whenever that sense of peace would roll over my mind, my thoughts, my emotions, I would go on long, long walks.
I was meditating on this previous development when I was realizing more and more that it does not matter what I am thinking. God loves me and is actively caring for me in this life, regardless of how I feel.
In those previous years, I often wondered how I was able to suddenly have such peace. What did I do? What was the right thoughts or feelings that I had engaged, encountered?
I have no finally, fully realized that I rested in the fact that God was always present, available, active, loving me, caring for me, living in me. It had nothing to do with me, and it never had had anything to do with me, either!
All this time, I had been so busy policing my thoughts, because all of this time I had believed that what I was thinking, what I was feeling was affecting whether God was working or not able to work in my life.
It's just crazy, but that's really what I believed.
And all of this is a perverse result of the fact that I was so imbibed with AA ideology. That awful cult would teach me, and teaches everyone who reads and adheres to that folly, that our thoughts, our feelings can cut us off from the 'Sunlight of the Spirit'.
What utter nonsense that is!
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