I Prayed without Believing Because I Did Not See Him As He Is

 In the past, when I prayed to God, I was not always sure if He was hearing me.

That was the real lack of faith which I would deal with for a long, long time.

Was God hearing me? Did He really care what I was going through?

For the last ten years, I have been learning so much about the Gospel of Grace. As a result, I find that I have had to unlearn a great deal more.

It's been quite a challenge, for sure.

I am now unlearning the lie that just because I feel bad, that means that God is far, far away.

From 2008 to 2010, I struggled with immense mind-control struggles, constantly trying to feel good all the time, as means of keeping Daddy God close.

I often felt that I had to conjure up certain feelings to ensure that He would be real and present in my life.

In other words, I was living under Law, with terrible mind-control to boot. Such is the legacy of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Slowly but surely, I have come to see how real, how alive Daddy God is for me.

Jesus is my Savior, and I do not have to feel bad in any way, shape, or form just because my feelings go one way or another.

This bondage was incredible for me.

And because I thought His presence in my life was contigent on how I felt, I was constantly insecure about whether He heard my prayers, let alone answered them.

Today, I realize that He is real, that He is really here for me, and that He is indeed really answering my prayers.

In fact, it's an act of unbelief to pray for God to do something, when He is already on the job working for me! The prayers which New Covenant believers should pray is "God, show me what You are doing already," or "Enlighten the eyes of my heart ..." (Ephesians 1:18-20).

It's not about trying to get God to do more. It's about receiving faith to see what He is doing already!

When this revelation became deeper and manifest for me, it was easier to pray, knowing fully well that He is answering me, and that He is giving me beyond what I could ever ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

I know longer have to worry if He is on my side. I know longer have to treat His life and presence in my walk as though it depends on how I feel.

For too long, I had a conception of God based on what my parents (wrongly) believed.

Now, I see Him for all who He is, based on His Word.