My Mother Wanted Me to Be Her Husband

Only recently did I realize how abusive my mother was to me.

She treated me as though I was supposed to be her husband. She would come to me with her personal problems. She would dump on me her emotional pains.

Children are not supposed to be surrogate comforters for their parents. That is wrong.

The role caring for one's children comes into play when they become elderly, frail, unable to care for themselves. That is a different matter altogether.

By then, the children will have become stable adults who can handle challenges, who can deal with difficulties, who are living their own lives.

I was not allowed to grow up. I was not allowed to make my own decisions for a great deal of my life, For a long time, I was not permoitted to allow the peace off Christ preside in my heart.

There was so much fear, there was so much worry, there was so much reproach. I was always waiting for her to tell me whether something or someone was OK or not. Such abuse I endured.

I trust and thank God for everything that He has been doing for me. He has seen me through so many difficulties. He has seen me through so many challenges. He has redeemed me from so much hurt, pain, loss, and shame.

It makes no difference what others did to me, even my own parents!

I remember reading this verse a long time ago, when I was so angry at my parents, especially my mother for how she had treated me:

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." (Psalm 27:10)

The LORD seemed so far away from me when I was a child. I did not see Him as someone was actively in love with me. I was constantly afraid of doing something wrong, of making Him mad. I constantly worried that I was doing the wrong thing. It seemed like I had to guess what He wanted me to do.

Now I know and believe what Paul writes about our Loving Daddy God:

"38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Now, towards the end of her life, and the end of my bondage to the lies that I had to tolerate her abuse, she was calling me a number of times. She wanted to spend her time with me, she wanted me to give her the love that she had hoped from her husband, my father.

The day came in November 2011, when I had to let her go, I had to hang up on her, send the message loudly and cleary that I was not going to be used anymore. She kept calling me over the next two months.

In February, when she ended up in the hospital, she called me to pick her up. I refused, directing her first to my sister, who in turn directed her back to her husband, my father. "She has a husband. Let him pick her up," I said to myself that Saturday evening early in 2012.

I was talking about this with a fellow believer, and I finally, finally realized this ...

My mother wanted me to be her husband. That is such child abuse. That was wrong. No wonder I had some adjustment issues. No wonder I struggled so much as an adult. Unconditional love means that we are not expect to provide it for someone else. Someone provides it for us, and that someone is JESUS!

I could not be her husband, I could not provide that unconditional love, and I praise Jesus that in that one year 2011, so much changed for me, in me, through me, everything.

Pastors Are NOT Called to Fix People, But to Preach Jesus--He Changes Us!

Check out this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRH8H2LrElI

I understand the notion of receiving people who are hurt, who are in pain. I understand that there are Christians out there who see temptations in their flesh, and they feel ashamed about those feelings.

I also understand why there is concern about hitting on their feelings, and telling them that they need to get rid of their feelings.

It is good that churchces receive people who are hurting and do not rush to communicate a message of "You need to clean up! You need to get YOUR act together!"

Let us not believe, however, that God does not change us, or that these struggles should define us!

We are spirit! We are not flesh!

We are sons of light!

"Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness." (1Thessalonians 5:5)

People receive Jesus, and He transforms them. He transforms us!

"17Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corinthians 3:17-18)

Jesus accepts us as we are, and because we receive Him, we become as He is!

"For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." (2 Corinthians 5:21)

and of course:

"Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world." (1 John 4:17)

My concern when it comes to homosexuality, when it comes to sexual perversion, is that there is still  this idea that homosexuality, that "gay" is a solid, real identity.

It simply is not.

The Body of Christ must not be afraid to speak the truth about this matter. God did not design our bodies for same-sex conduct. These behaviors harm, they kill, they rob us of the beauty and dignity which are loving Father wants us to have.

It is important to say "We are not trying to change you," but let us not shy away from declaring the truth, which is that "When Jesus' love takes hold of you, you won't want to hold onto, or engage, in homosexual conduct anymore."

These are not behavior for us! They are sins!

"9Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, 10Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God." (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

Paul did not hold back in his first letter to the Corinthians.

He then swoomed in with the grace of God, to remind them what Jesus had done for them!

"11And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God." (1 Corinthians 6:11)

Paul never hesitates to say to the Corinthians. "Such behaviors belong to those who are unsaved. You ARE Saved! Why act like you are dead, when you have been brought to life?"

Pastors are not called to fix people. We are called to preach Jesus, we are called to invite, urge people to believe in Jesus, to be set free from sin, to be transformed from death to life, to be taken out of Adam and placed in Christ Jesus!

He changes us! He transforms us from glory to glory!

AMEN!

Jesus, Grace Personified is Better--Sin Just Plain Sucks

I must say, I have a really hard time understanding how anyone can claim that they are under grace, and yet they engage in all kinds of sin, all kinds of perversion.

Anyone who has tasted, who has seen that the LORD is Good (Psalm 34:8) knows that sin ... sucks!

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." (Psalm 16:11)

Yes, that verse above is in the Bible.

God is not against us having fun, having life.

Remember, Jesus was--IS--the life of the party!

"7Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. 8And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. 9When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, 10And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now." (John 2:7-10)

Jeuss literally saved the party. He turned water into wine. Not exactly healing, but a miracle, the First Miracle He performed!

God is all about us having fun.

Really, He is!

So, when people have this weird idea that grace is a license to sin, I have to ask:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I think of that scene toward the end of the movie "Return to Oz", from the early 1980s.

Before Dorothy Gale goes back to Kansas, she says good-bye to her pet hen, Belina. She asks the hen if she is going to come home with her.

Belina is just shocked, and shoots back:

"What, and go back to that hum-drum world again?"

Once she had seen the Emerald City, beautiful in its dazzling wealth and fresh wonder, why would she want to go back to dry, flat, boring Kansas?

I feel the same way when people talk about sin, in contrast to the love, joy, and pleasure of the Son.

What? Why would I want to go back to that garbage? Why would I want to settle for less?!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

How quickly we forget, and how correctly Paul would write:

"4Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?" (Romans 2:4)

Riches, goodness, longsuffering.

I LIKE THAT!!

As for sin:

"The wages of sin is death," (Romans 6:23)

I DON'T LIKE THAT!

Also, let's not forget Paul's exhortation to pastor-in-training Titus:

"11For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, 12Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; 13Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ;" (2 Titus 2:11-13)

Grace teaches us to say "No!" to sin.

Of course it does! Grace is better! Why settle for death, hell, and the grave?

Thanks, but no thanks.

Last of all, John could not have written better in his First Epistle:

"15Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him." (1 John 2:15)

Notice that John writes "Don't love the world." He points out the reason why people love the world: "The love of the Father is not in them."

It's about more than knowing that God the Father loves you. Is His love in you? Have you let His love in, or do you still keep it out, convinced that there are things that you have thought or done, that you are thinking or feeling, that would make Him unhappy?

Do you believe that the Father loves you? Do you see His love as intimate, close, never to leave you? Do you see Daddy God embracing you, even at your worst, your lowest, your basest, just as in Jesus' parable? (cf Luke 15:20).

Now, why does John reproach "love of the world"?

"16For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world." (1 John 2:16)

The three different types of human-centered--strained attempts at pleasure: giving into temptations, trying to please our eyes, our senses; making ourselves big in the eyes of the world, big reputation  etc--is not from the Father, not from our loving Daddy.

And

"17And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." (1 John 2:17)

The biggest problem with whatever the world has to offer? John does not mention the Ten Commandments. He does not mention God the Father's displeasure with sin.

The reason why the world and whatever it has to offer is not good enough? It passes away. It's NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

We are made for eternal things. Remember back to Psalm 16:11, in which there are "eternal pleasures
" at Jesus' right hand!

I want what lasts, not what is temporal.

Jesus, Grace personified is better. ALWAYS!

As for sin. Really?

Sin just plain sucks. BORING!

I want life, and that more abundantly--and that is PRECISELY what Jesus came to give us! (John 10:10)

Sin cannot compare: Jesus, Grace Personified is Better!

Other Ways My Mother Had Helped Me

I have written a number of posts in this blog about the negative things that I had endured from my mother.

But little by little, as I have received, enjoyed more favor from my loving Father, I have found more good memories entering into my recollection.

I often share the story about how my mother quit smoking, a perfect example of God's grace accomplishing what our efforts never could.

I cry with deep joy that I still remember that day. I was just three years old, but I remember seeing my my mother fall down on her knees and simply tell God the truth:

"Lord, I have no faith in me. I have very little faith in you. Please, I do not want to smoke anymore."

THAT DAY, she quit smoking and never went back. Ever!

YES! Be honest with God, and let Him work in you--that's what sets us free!

Something else that I remembered about my mom.

My dad liked to provoke me about my eating habits, even though he was heavier than I--and he would readily admit it today. One day, New Years Eve 1999, in fact, he reproached me because I used to eat cake frosting right out of the can, forget putting it on the cake!

What's wrong with that!

My mother just ripped into him: "Now, let's not forget about your eating habits, Sandy!"

BAM! Thanks, Mom!

And I also remember when my dad used to reproach me because he had teased me so mercilessly about buying me a "Barney" toy. I really didn't like Barney, just because, but as a young kid heading into middle school, it was considered really embarassing to have anything to do with that purple, freaky dinosaur. Now, I don't even care.

What bothered me then, and has bothered me since, is that my dad got so much joy out of making me so angry--as a kid that day, when he had so deeply provoked me about it, I did not talk to my father for two days. He had tried to embarass me in front of my peers in a public place. That is really bad! Dads, don't shame or your kids! THAT IS WRONG!

"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4)

At any rate, my dad was laughing about that all over again one night, while the whole family was driving home from a fancy dinner. Instead of just letting him get away with it, my mother savaged him, "You know, you think that your father would be someone who would be on your side."

Then I jumped in on it, and I started laughing out loud: "Yeah, you know, instead of shaming his son, a father should be doing what he can to build up his son. But Dad decided not to do that, right!"

We both burst out laughing--and at my father's expense. He kept his mouth shut the rest of the evening.

The latest thing that my mother had done for me, that I am recalling now, took place when I was in high school. I had gotten so busy with studies, with work, with extra curricular activities and all the rest. I felt so bad that I had not been talking to God.

And one Saturday morning, after I had finished breakfast, I remember sharing this with my mother.

And she said to me: "Don't feel bad that you haven't been talking to Him. Just come to Him as you are."

That gave me such peace. I think about that right now, when I have failed, sinned, struggled with internal issues. For the longest time, I thought that I could not come to God, that I had to get things straightened out in my mind, in my flesh, in my circumstances. I realize now that when things are all out of sorts, that is precisely when you come to God!

"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

So with that, I write:

Thank you, Mom!

Convicted for Doing Nothing Wrong, Sentenced for No Reason, Yet Still Joyful with No Regrets

(The use of this cartoon will make sense very soon)

So, on October 25. 2018, I was found guilty in a court of law for ... sitting in a city council meeting.

The prosecutor lied to the jury.

The judge suppressed evidence.

Of the eleven witnesses I had lined up to testify, only two were permitted to testify. What gives?

The jury had no idea what was going on. They just went along with the basic principle that if a cop tells you to do something, you just have to do it. Really? What if he wanted to take my money. Am I then obliged to turn over the cash?

I was found guilty ... of sitting in a city council meeting. Officially, I was convicted of two counts of California Penal Code section 148a1, "resisting arrest" or "failure to follow the lawful order of a police officer."

I contend to this day that the order for me to be removed from the Huntington Park City Council chamber was an unlawful order. I was called out of order for no reason, and then someone in the audience blurted out, lied to the city council elected officials, and they in turn went along with the lie just to have me removed.

I refused to leave. They had no right.

What's done is done.

I left the court house that Thursday afternoon, puzzled that this had happened. "How could I be found guilty for sitting in a city council meeting?"

A number of my friends from We the People Rising joined me at the court hearing. They witnessed three bailiffs stand in the courtroom when the verdict was announced, and then I stood up to hear the verdict.

"On count One ... Guilty!"

"On count Two ... Guilty!"

I was just shocked, puzzled, but no tears, no screaming or yelling. The court officers were preparing for the worst, but the worst did not happen--at least in my emotions.

I left the court room, since sentencing was postponed until Tuesday, the next week. My attorney took the heat so that I could go to a work event in Texas over the weekend. I was not going to stop living my life just because someone declared me guilty on the most flimsy of premises.

That evening, I went out to eat with the friends who had come with me. I didn't really let anything hit me yet. Just like when you find out that someone close to you has died, the full pain of this loss does not hit you right away. You don't realize what the loss is going to look like until the memories start rolling in, and then the realization that the person with whom you shared those memories is now gone forever.

That night, I went home. I went home, and I was just overwhelmed with grief as soon as I entered my home.

I cried for an hour that night. I could not believed that this was happening to me.

How could this happen to me? How could this be allowed to happen? Lord Jesus, I had prayed for your favor, I asked for your grace to get me out of this, to ensure an acquittal, to stand up to the abuses of the corrupt city council, the police, the system.

And yet ... this?! WHY?

I had never cried so hard. It hurt my lungs, I was in such grief. With all of this cascading over me, I called the first I could think of ... my employer Brian Camenker. He had been through this whole trial with me. I have never had so great an employer as Brian, and a better career than working for MassResistance.

He was with me as I cried out in pain. It was such a devastating loss. He shared with me similar challenges, pains, losses that he had faced in his life. He also talked about the overcoming spirit that he and his own father had demonstrated many times over.

Brian shared with me part of an elegant quote from President Theodore Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Yes, I had been in the arena. I had welcomed victories, and I was not bracing a defeat. 

The anxiety I felt was great, too. Had I been mistaken this whole time? Did I miss God? Did I get this all wrong or something?

I was panicking somewhat at this point, too. Was I all alone in this world? Since God did not rescue me from a guilty verdict, was He someone whom I could not trust for anything now? Those doubts were the most crushing, and were certainly the deepest reasons for my despair.

I ended up calling two other people, friends of mine who had joined me at the courthouse that afternoon, and ate dinner with me that evening. One of them said "It will be OK, buddy." Another one admitted to me his own run-in with the law, and how the event brought him to his knees to ask Jesus Christ to be His Savior.

Quite a powerful, yet quiet admission that this man had made to me. I realized that I had to come to God directly with this. I had to not run from Him, or act as if He was not there for me. I needed to rest and recognize "There is a reason for this."

I went to my event in Texas. It was so hard not to focus on "The Sentencing!"

But then I began to return to the gift of righteousness which we receive (and keep receiving!) because of Christ Jesus (Romans 5:17).

No matter what is happening, no matter whether I understand what God is doing, or not doing, I have been made the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:21). At no time could I doubt or wonder whether God was for me. Truth be told, however, I could not understand what was going on.

That recognition of my righteousness in Him--apart from works, from feelings, from circumstances--began to ease my heart and soul.

The sentencing was going to be interesting, that was for certain. More to come.

Now I'm a REAL BOY!

I wrote in another blog post how frustrated I was as a kid.

I was so busy trying to be the good boy, the one who played by all the rules, who looked up to and measured up to all the standards of the teachers, what was expected of me, what was placed on me.

If I was a good boy, I was good. If I failed, I was a bad boy, etc.

This idea of being unconditionally loved, cared for, graced first, and then responding to that love -- I had never known that.

Such thinking, such beauty, such GOSPEL, was completely unknown to me.

For all the years that I had been going to church, reading my Bible, listening to sermons, following the rules blah, blah, blah -- I never knew how much He loves me.

I do not write "He loved me", because His love for me is eternal, never-ending, and very present, too.

I was so busy trying to be good, and yet failing at it, or just plain having no fun.

The frustration I felt, too, when I saw kids who did not play by the rules get all the wins. "That's not fair!" I used to think.

Grace is not fair, and we are called from the beginning to grow in grace!

God is not looking for me to be a "good boy" in my own efforts.

I can't even become that!

"As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:" (Romans 3:10)

It is written. None of us our righteous, good.

Sin cannot be overcome by our efforts. It requires grace!

JESUS!

"Grace and truth came by Jesus Christ." (John 1:17)

Jesus did not come to make bad men good, but to make dead men live.

Or, Jesus did not come to make bad boys good, but to make dead boys live!

Just like Pinocchio in that fairytale!

As long as he tried in his own efforts to become real, he failed.

When he rested and just believed, he became real!

Don't believe me?

"The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)

LIFE!

Life is better than playing by "rules." Ten Commandments tell you want not to do -- and they actually awaken sin! (1 Corinthians 15:56-57)

I kept thinking that life was some kind of exam. I needed to put myself in the right place, at the right time to make things work.

No!

Jesus -- He is my life! (John 14:6; Colossians 3:4)

Life is what He has invited me to receive!

Today, I don't try to be a good boy. I know that I am loved, adopted by my loving Father!

I have His spirit, the spirit of adoption. He is my ABBA!

And I am His SON!

"Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not." (1 John 3:1)

That makes me alive, real!

Confessing Our Sins Is Not Enough -- So What Else Is Needed?

TrueLove.Is is an incredible, new ministry for me.

It was really good to see young people, who on the outside at the very least are down to earth, not crazy, flamboyant, or just plain weird--and they struggled with same-sex issues.

I noticed a theme in two of the stories.

First, there's Jason Yolt:

He talked about the joy he had when he shared about his same-sex struggles with his small group of fellow-believers. However, he then admitted that he would still indulge in his same-sex desires. He would still fool around.

Confession of his sins, his struggles, did not set him free.

Then there was Raphael. His story is quite poignant, too.

He talked about the struggle with same-sex desires as early as 13 years old. My, such pain that he had to face as a youth, and the sense of emptiness which must have overwhelmed him, and for so long.

He later found a mentor, or it seemed that this mentor found him. Raphael later shares how this man helped him to understand the struggles of his own father, how he was doing the best that he could. Raphael also commended his mentor for showing him a father's love, something that he did not receive from his own father.

Yet like Jason, Raphael continued to struggle with loneliness, the lack of love in his life, the hurt and pain. He still went after same-sex relationships, one-night stands, and chance sexual encounters.

Once again, confessing one's sins, sharing one's hurts, is just not enough. It does not set us free.

Let me clarify: sharing one's sins, hurts, and pains with others is not enough. Perhaps it's a start, in that we stop feeling ashamed. But it does not solve the problem, resolve, the issue, dissolve the pain.

So, what does?

The Love of the Father!

"15Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." (1 John 2:15-17)

No offensive to Raphael's friend and mentor Jason, but his love could never rise up to, let alone equal, God the Father's love!

It just can't. It's not the same love. It never can be enough.

What changed for these two that delivered them?

I notice first of all that they came to God directly. Nothing held them back. They admitted to their loving Father, they came boldly to the throne of grace in time of need (Hebrews 4:16)

Second, they began to experience a greater love, the love of the Father, and we can experience that when we juse come to Him, just like the prodigal son!

"20And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him." (Luke 15:20)

Just one little move toward your loving Father, and He will rush towards you with His love!

It's not enough to confess that we have bad feelings, bad thoughts, bad desires, and bad actions.

It's not enough to get rid of the bad. We need something better. 

Why else do so many of us, do ALL of us, choose to run after lusts of the flesh, the eye, and the pride of life? We don't have, we don't know, we have not allowed in THE BEST!

And that is the Love of the Father. Not the Love for the Father, i.e. our love for Him, but His love for us!

This is an enriching, never-ending love!

Confessing our sins is not enough. Why are we sinning? Why are we resorting to these empty lusts which cannot satisfy us?

Because we don't allow the love of the Father in!

That's what is most needed! And that's what both of these men did!

A New Warmth Overtakes My Heart

I have been working at the Cal-Trans yard as part of the unjust -- yet ultimately made righteous -- consequences of the miscarriage of justice I endured in Downey Court House.

At first, I dragged my feet. How can this be happening?

This is not fair! I did not break the law. I had every right to sit in the city council chambers. They had no right to remove me, and I did nothing wrong.

At any rate, I have given up on trying to get back what was taken from me.

Instead, I am trusting my loving Father for restoration!

"For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them." (Isaiah 61:7)

Double for my trouble, and everlasting joy to boot!

In fact, that is happening in growing measure.

I read the passages about Joseph and his unjust incarceration following the false accusation of Potiphar's wife. God set Joseph up for greater glory!

Not only that, but God placed Joseph in the right place at the right time not only for his honor, but to save the entire world!

Once Joseph revealed himself to his brothers, he comforted them with this truth:

"5Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life. 6For these two years hath the famine been in the land: and yet there are five years, in the which there shall neither be earing nor harvest. 7And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. 8So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt." (Genesis 45:5-8)

This is a promise, that God is already using what I am going through for His greater good,

Something wonderful has come out of this in greater measure.

I love working with the young men and women on the different crews throughout the different days, I see some of these young men as sons, or as good friends. They are really kind, and they go out of their way to get the work done in different places.

They are easy to talk to, to be friends with. My heart just warms up when I am around them. I really like them.

This sense of warmth in my heart has become more pervasive, everpresent. I am learning more and more about God's love for me, too.

I just can't get away from Him, from His love for me.

Praying in the Spirit Has Expanded My Knowledge of God's Love for Me

"20But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost, 21Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life." (Jude 20-21)

Praying in tongues, or praying in the spirit builds us up. It's not just limit to our spirit, but to our mind and body, too!

I have been praying more and more in the Spirit for the last few weeks, and especially so when I am doing Cal-Trans assignments or waiting for long periods during breaks.

I think this is one of the reasons why my heart has been warming up so much, and why I have an increasing love for the boys I work with.

Praying the Spirit has made me more sensitive to God's love for me.

I am less interested in dealing with sexual issues, and more interested in just receiving more and more of His love for me.

Keep praying the Spirit, folks! That is how you and I get set free from all sorts of bondages in our lives!

I see His love as everpresent now. It cannot be taken away from me nor fall away from me. His love is palpable, real, unmistakable. It's not leaving, it's not departing, it's not something that I have to fight for.

Jesus, thank you for being patient with me, for working with me through everything that I have endured. After all these years, I really am learning that I did not know how loved I was! I never realized it. I was never taught to see how important it is to know that you love me, that you have never fallen away, never departed from me! This is so incredible, and I am so grateful that you continued to be patient with me all this time.

Thank you so much.

Indeed, I am writing this statement, based in part from what I learned in a sermon delivered by Bob George a few years before he died.

When we Christians go through hard times, we get to see more of God's love for us, His favor working in our lives in spite of the strained difficulties imposed on us. That is incredible. Once we pass through those hardships, we look back and declare "I would not have had it any other way!"

Indeed, I can say the same thing right now.

The health hardship was necessary so that I could break free of the crippling habits that were making more tired, less active, less effective.

So many internal battles are falling away, faster and faster than ever.

I have so much energy now. I feel younger at 38 than when I was 28.

I have a greater warmth within me, too. I am so full of love. I know more of how much my Daddy God loves me, and I am spending less and less time fixing my bad thoughts and feelings. I am spending more time fixing my thoughts and feelings on Him who has been from the beginning!

I am in love with Him because I realize how much He is in love with me.

It has become even easier to pray in the Spirit. It has become even easier to trust Him to take care of me, to take care of every need, every concern before me. It's easier to focus, it's easier to get things done. It's easier to work on tasks. I don't lose my temper as much. I don't feel the need to fight fights in my mind and emotions anymore.

It's great, and it's getting better. I truly believe that God's favor is reigning in me, and because of Him I am reigning in life (Romans 5:17).

"We're Criminals, But We Care"

I have served in the Cal-Trans yard in the Long Beach area for twenty days over the last two months.

I had hoped to get an attorney request submitted to stay the sentencing imposed on me, but that was not to be.

After completing the Cal-Trans requirement, I must say that I received so much from doing so.

I am actually glad that I served.

I worked with an incredible group of people.

The 8 to 12 different people I worked with all connected like a team every time. I met new people.

The men and women whom I interact with in the Cal-Trans yard are really great people.

Man, they are so down to earth.

I really like them.

The first day on the Cal-Trans field, I was working along a landscape in Hawthorne.

I lost my footing, fell down, hit my head on the ground. Thankfully, I had my helmet on, so it was all good.

Then one of the men in the crew, a young black man, came over and helped me up.

Many of them are younger than I, and some of the people in the Cal-Trans crews are older than I.

They are really charming people, altogether.

Another day, I suffered light-headedness because of the rising temperatures along the freeway routes. For the past two months, we had enjoyed cool weather and light winds beacuse of the May gray and June gloom overcasting the South Bay and Long Beach area.

With the end of June, however, the sun began shining, unimpeded by clouds, and the weather started heating up again. I undeestimated the sunshine and the heat, and I thought I could push hard to finish some of the tasks ahead of me.

That was a mistake.

I got really woozy, light-headed. The Van supervisor told me to take it easy, to rest. One of the guys on the crew, his name was Manny, rushed up to me with some damp paper towels. He told me to sit down, take it easy. Another crew member, Tammy, urged me to sit in the van, get out of the heat, find some shadow to cool off.

Two other guys, Oscar and Herb, wanted to help, too. "Are you OK? Do you have high blood pressure or something?" I told them not to worry, since I was still kind of toughing through my health scare from three weeks ago.

One guy, Oscar, pressed me on the issue. "Are you OK?" He asked me a few more times throughout the day. The other guy, Herb, joked. "I hope you're alright. Just letting you know I don't do mouth-to-mouth!" and he laughed. "Don't worry!" I told him, laughing right back at him.

The next day, after we finished another day, our van driver brought us back to the main yard for us to get ready to sign out for the day. Oscar noticed that I had polished off the gallon of water I began bringing with me.

"Wow, you finished that off quick!" He told me.

Yes. "I nearly passed out yesterday. I didn't want that to happen again. I started getting spotty, seeing black and white dots."

"See, I told you there was something wrong," Oscar said. "We're criminals, but we care."

It really touched me when Oscar said that. It really made me so grateful, so thankful for these men, young and old, and even the women at the Cal-Trans yard.

Me at the Cal-Trans Yard in Long Beach

It sounds crazy, but I really do thank God that I got to - rather than "forced to" - do Cal-Trans. This was a time for me to receive more of God's favor and love. He was really watching out for me out there in the field. I learned to meditate more on His love for me. I learned to experience His love for me through other people.

Over the previous six months, from when I was sentenced until the next court hearing, I resolutely refused to sign up for the community service. It was so unfair, and I just didn't want to deal with the hackling and heckling from my employer. He operated under the assumption that for me to carry out the sentence meant that I was admitting that the conviction was true.

That's not true at all, of course. Joseph sat in a prison for at least three years, but he had done nothing untoward to Potiphar's wife. Of course, during his time in prison, he still received God's favor, and was set up for greater honor and glory.

I both know and believe, and therefore believe and declare, that that is exactly what my loving Father is doing for me now. I even remember another day, while taking a break in the Cal-Trans van, and another crew member, Jack, was telling everybody: "This is the only guy who should not be here."

He pointed to me. Nobody disagreed. I had the chance to tell at least five or six other people why I was arrested, indicted, tried, convicted, and sentenced. "I am a political prisoner," I told them. Not one of  them disagreed.

I really appreciated what Oscar had to say to me. "We're criminals, but we care."

Indeed. So many people prejudge, misjudge lots of people with criminal convictions. There are so many criminal statutes as it is, and the overcriminalization is unreal. Some people at the Cal-Trans should not be there, either (besides myself, of course!).

I wanted to say to him: "Don't see yourself as a criminal. You are not defined by what you did." Hopefully, I can say that to him before my days are wrapped up.

I want him to know that I care, too.

UPDATE:

Last week, I got to say good-bye to Oscar, because it was his last day at the Cal-Trans yard.

I found out that he works in the medical field, and he was keenly aware of health issues, how improper or inefficient treatment can harm a person for the long term. Lots of the younger men working in the Cal-Trans yard are up to speed on health and money issues. You really cannot make a judgment about someone--anyone--just by looking at them,

I let him know that he could call me if anything came up. I reminded him how he had said "We're criminals, but we care." I told him "Promise me one thing: don't call yourself a 'criminal' anymore. That is not who you are."

He smiled back, and he said "I promise."

Why Fussy, Worrying People Bother Me -- and Why

I have had to deal with a fair share of fussy, worrying people in my life.

A find that a number of older women think they have a right to lecture me on how I live my life or what I wear. For some reason, I find it very offensive.

It really bothers me when they tell me "Be careful!" or "Watch out!"

If I wanted to be careful, i.e. full of cares, I would have stayed home all day, every day.

That is not life and that more abundantly.

My Dad would call me, too, with that kind of talk. "I am worried about you son, that's why I am calling you." That was his last message to me.

I just get so incensed when I hear comments like that.

What's going on here?

Sometimes, these people will say: "I am worried about you because I care about you. I don't want you to get hurt."

No, what's really going on is that they feel uncomfortable, and they want to not feel uncomfortable anymore. These worries are not about others. These worries begin and end with individuals wanting to be at peace within themselves. It's about them, not about me.

Worry is selfish, self-serving. It's not about others. There is no fear in love, after all! (1 John 4:18).

In fact, it is outright sinful to worry:

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." (Philippians 4:6)

And yet there are so many Christians who take pride in fretting about issues. That just sickens me.

Finally, I am glad that I can write this in full. Thanks for letting me put these comments out there.

It's so arrogant, too. When people are fretting, they are basically sending the following message:

"God, the Creater of Heaven and Earth, the Redeemer of Mankind through His Beloved Son Jesus, the same God who holds the winds in His hands, who commands the beasts of the deep--that same all powerful God is just not big enough, not powerful enough to handle this or that situation. I must worry, I must but forth as much internal effort and energy to fix, to take over, to manage this situation, this problem, this person."

Can you believe how ridiculous that sounds?!

Exactly.