I Rebelled Against AA: Al-Anon

People still made me mad. I was under the delusion that other people were the ones who were controlling my feelings.

One of the basic elements of maturity, in my opinion, is learning to rest in the truth of who you are. When you are solid about who you are, then no one can mess with you.

Still, at the time I found myself easily hurt and frustrated by other people. My mother lived a life of telling everyone how she felt. I was the ear that she would talk off, if she had the opportunity. One hour later, I would press her to finish up. It is abusive to have a parent who treats you as the arm-chair psychologist for all of her problems.

So, I got into the same habit, always talking about how I felt, convinced that something bad would happen to me if I did not share a wrong thought or a bad emotion. Such bondage makes a persons sin and self-occupied. The whole thing is just crazy:

"Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 6: 11)

We are not to live in bondage to our carnal selves, which includes our thoughts and feelings. God wants us to prosper and be in health, even as our souls prosper (3 John 2), but our souls cannot prosper as long as we are convinced that we must minister to our feelings all the time. We are not called to put out the fires in our lives, we are not called to kill the flesh which wars against our experience. We are called to rest in God's grace and let His Spirit guide us in life.

But AA has no concept of walking in the Spirit, as the program arbitrarily displaces any truth about God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and the Gospel.

So, it was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year, and I was still trying to get by in life, living by the Twelve Steps, which in effect is not really living at all.
My Mom told me that the best thing to do, then, was to go to an Al-Anon meeting. That program is for people who have alcoholics in their lives, who find that the alcoholic and his behavior is making their lives unmanageable. There, I did not have to be an alcoholic, but instead I could connect with other people who were struggling with.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting in a church near UC Irvine. I had the chance to listen and share with people all the problems in my life. At first, I was reluctant to tell people that there was no "qualifier" or alcoholic in my life whom I was trying to break free of. At the second to last meeting that I attended, I found out that there was another lady there who just went to the meetings because she was convinced (as was I) that the Twelve Step program would help me live life better.

I remember sitting in those meetings, listening to men and women groan about their lives, about the abusive husbands, wives, children who were abusing alcohol and causing them a lot of trouble. I also remember hearing a lot of these people talk about "willingness", and about "humility", as if they were exports in their own right on anything. One of the women in the Al-Anon meetings, which met every Wednesday night, would cry her eyes out every day, so miserable and empty because she did not have a "man" in her life. Normally, Al-Anon meetings do not have a lot of men attending, but those who did attend were not reluctant to poor out their troubles to anyone who was willing to listen.

One of the men who attend the meetings was a bitter Arab, a man who loved to make fun of white people. Another man was a gruff Texas type, a guy who acted as if he had it all together.

And then there was Eva. She was a French woman, from Paris. and she lived nearby in Tustin. This woman admitted to the group that she had moved fourteen times in the last two years. She also admitted that she was afraid to live anywhere stable, because she had terrible memories of going home and being abused by her drunken, abusive father. Like many people in Al-Anon or in Alcoholics Anonymous, this woman lived so much in her feelings, in her moods, and like many others she was convinced that other people could make her mad, sad, glad, bad, human beings who had given up any power and control in their lives, people who were convinced that if they could control their circumstances, then they would feel better.

Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, but that in my opinion is one of the most insidious lies about these Twelve Step programs, which teach people to put themselves and their feelings on the altar -- quite an irony when the program keeps harping about how people have to break free of their "Self-centered fear".

At first, this lady and I had some things to talk about. I was a French speaker myself, having minored in the subject. During one meeting, she shared with me how she had finally found a place to stay, how she even bought a present for her new roommate. Then the next week, she was telling everyone how she could not stand her new roommate. "Elle m'emmerde!" she exclaimed, with an wry smile on her face, as if she liked being angry with the whole world. "She  bugs me!" is a loose translation of what she shared.

In those days, I never bothered to say anything, since as far as I was concerned I was just glad that maybe there was some hope for me in this program. Maybe at last I would find a cure for the problems which were always setting me off, why people were always making me mad.

Then came the Halloween meeting. There was Eva, running around full of brim and like. I wanted to know what was happening. Apparently, she had won a costume contest at her workplace. I was really happy for her. "Qu'as-tu gagné?" I asked her in French. "What did you win?"

"Speaking French really bugs me," she then snapped back at me. "I do not like to speak French when I was in a good mood."

Her little tirade really infuriated me. I could not believe that she had snapped at me, when all  I wanted to know what -- what did she win?

Of course, the real issue was that I was still so insecure in those days, convinced like the rest of people in the program that other people could make me mad. I was furious, hurt, and despondent, to a degree. I had come to Al-Anon, hoping to find people and a place where I would be safe, where people could not hurt my feelings, and these very people were some of the most unkind and uncaring people I had ever met! So concerned about their own feelings, so worried about getting angry or being in a bad mood, and they would throw the cares and welfare of other people under the bus just so that they could spare their own comfort.

I was just completely outraged. That was my last meeting, then I stormed out and never looked back. Later that night, I told my mother how that French woman had hurt my feelings. I look back on it and laugh, so overwhelmed by how childish I was, but my mother had no other idea what to say to me. She was knee-deep in the program herself, just as oversensitive and sentimental about so many things. I am sure she just kept her own displeasure to herself. Later on, she grew more and more stymied as to why she could not help me with the problems that I was facing in this life. Of course, much of it was rooted in her need to control, much more of it her need to abide by a program that does not work.

Al-Anon is a terrible idea from start to finish, a program which allegedly provides people a forum where they can break free of the abusive control that other people have over them. The real lie, though, is that they identify with their thoughts and feelings, completely lost and without hope when it comes to operating in this world. They are full of hurt and bitterness, having no idea that God himself can restore marriage and through His grace can help people break free of their addictions. Not through talking and working, but through resting and believing can we break free of the sins which so easily beset us.

One more note -- I remember seeing Eva once again one year later, at the local Carl's Jr. She was withdrawn and upset, taking some food with her in a plastic bag. Apparently, she was still in bondage to the hurts and the upsets in her life, still blaming her mother, her father, or just about anyone else, for the problems in her life. I smarted a little when I saw the lady, but then I was able to let go of how I felt. This woman was so lost in herself, so bitter and hurt, I actually felt more sorry for her than angry with her.