The Quietness Inside, and Why I Struggled with Guilt

There was a period of time when I struggled with a great deal of trauma and fear.

There were things that I had said, I had done, and I was so afraid of getting caught, getting found out, that the trauma just overwhelmed me.

This constant sense of fear just overwhelmed all the time. I felt so paralyzed in my life, that I felt that I could not go forward.

It took a long time to realize that faith is not feelings, and feelings are not faith. That was the biggest source of my problem, really. I had confused feelings, senses, perceptions for God's Presence, His loving support.

But so much of what is real in our lives is real not because of what we feel.

We cannot see atoms, but we know they exist, because everything that exists is based on atoms, and scientists have even seen them when using ultra-powerful microscopes.

We know that the wind exists, even though we cannot see the wind itself. We only see its effects.

We have an incredible record of all that Jesus did, and we have an intense set of revelations and explanations which expound on what all of His Work means at the Cross!

It's not about feelings, it's about facts, it's about truth.

When we understand that we have been made the righteousness of God in Christ, when we understand that the bondage and shame of the past (and even whatever wrongdoings we do in the future) have no bearing on us, then indeed we are set free.

We no longer have to be bogged down by our flesh. We no longer have to wonder or worry about perceptions, premonitions, reminders, and fears from past to present to future, as if any of that can derail our new identity in Christ.

All of that gets put off, put away, because Jesus put away all our sins -- ALL OF THEM -- at the Cross.

For the longest time, though, I kept thinking that I had to put out that flame of condemnation on the back of my head. I used to think that I had to answer, refute, resolve every "what if?" that emerged in the back of my mind.

Today, I realize now more than ever how all of those stupid doubts and fears were mere fiery darts. The Gracious God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob does not go away from us just because we feel bad. We have already been made the righteousness of God in Christ because of what Christ Jesus has already done at the Cross. 

Faith is not about doing more, but rather faith is about seeing more of what is not visible to the natural eye:

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)

Faith has nothing to do with what we feel, and faith is not fancy-pants fantasy. We are believing in Someone who is real, who is seated at the right hand of God the Father!

"Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places," (Ephesians 1:21)

For the longest time, I could not understand why those sensations of condemnation would come and go in my life. There were times when the fiery darts had no effect on me whatsoever, and then all of a sudden I felt like the back of my head was aflame in shame.

Now, it all makes sense. The shield of faith which quenches those fiery darts (Ephesians 6:16), that faith is all about seeing Jesus, recognizing that He is alive, that He is real, that we are in Christ, and that we do not look at our flesh, our feelings, our senses, our sentiments to make sense of reality all around us.

The struggle is over, and it makes no difference what feelings good or bad may assault the back of my head, my thoughts, my feelings. All of that is a wash today, because Jesus has washed me from all my sins -- past, present, future -- in His blood:

"And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood," (Revelation 1:5)